


Ashes

by KDSkywalker



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Career Ending Injuries, Depression, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Second Chances, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2020-12-16 16:27:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21039224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KDSkywalker/pseuds/KDSkywalker
Summary: After learning that he is the cause of Yuuri's despair, Victor is presented with choices: lose Yuuri or fix what had been broken. Yet it isn't as simple as it sounds.....





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide attempts are mentioned in this chapter.

“_112…what is your emergency?”_

_“My husband…my God my husband…”_

_“What about your husband?”_

_“HE’S BLEEDING AND THERE IS SO MUCH BLOOD!!!”_

* * *

Shaky fingers ran themselves through the tasseled hair. There was so much hustle and bustle around him, yet nothing was registering. The only thing that he could focus on was the fact that his husband….his Yuuri had tried to….tried to…..

He couldn’t say it.

He didn’t want to believe it.

There was just no way possible that his Yuuri had tried to kill himself.

A pair of shoes moved into his line of sight.

“Mr. Nikiforov?”

Victor’s head shot up to look at the doctor who was standing in front of him. “Yes?” he wearly said.

“Come with me.”

Slowly standing up, Victor moved to follow the doctor down the hallway towards patient rooms. “We’ve stabilized your husband and cleaned his wounds. There was no lasting damage thus far. Yet he is going to be kept for three days under an involuntary psychiatric hold. We need to evaluate him to make sure that he is not a danger to himself or others.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that your husband isn’t well and he needs to be evaluated.”

“When can I see him?”

“Saturday morning.”

“That is almost two days!”

“More like 36 hours,” the doctor said sighing. “It’s for the best. If anything changes, I’ll be sure to contact you immediately.”

Victor sighed as he watched the doctor walk away with one question on his mind.

What had exactly happened to cause Yuuri to do this to himself?

* * *

Stumbling into his and Yuuri’s bedroom, Victor fell face first into the numerous pillows that were on the bed. In his hand was a half drunk bottle of vodka. Without turning over, he took a swig from the bottle before letting it fall from his hand to the floor, the vodka spilling as the bottle hit the hardwood floors. Without hesitation, Victor snuggled into Yuuri’s pillow and inhaled his husband’s scent.

“Yuurrrriiii! What happened? Was it something I did?” Victor cried out, turning onto his back still hugging the pillow tight.

Tears spilled from Victor’s eyes as he fell into a drunken sleep. Makkachin curled up near Victor’s legs and whimpered for his missing hooman.

* * *

Sitting up, Victor glanced all around. All he could see was fog and various colors. As his eyes adjusted, Victor noticed a figure become clearer and clearer as it moved towards him. After a minute or so he could tell that it was a beauty young woman with long dark hair wearing a kimono.

“Victor Nikiforov,” she says.

“Ye…yes?”

“You will have two days before you must make a decision – either lose your husband or be given a second chance to fix that which you have broken. It was your callousness which caused your husband to attempt to take his own life. And it will be up to you to decide not only his, but your destiny as well.”

“But I already know what I want! I want my Yuuri home!!”

“Two Days…” she says as she fades from view.

* * *

Gasping for air, Victor sat up in bed. Makkachin stirred at his feet and stretched before moving up on the bed to lay down against one of his hoomans. Victor scratched Makkachin behind the ears as he considered what he had dreamt about.

Had he really caused Yuuri to attempt to take his own life?


	2. Chapter 2

The smell of coffee permeated his senses. Looking up, Victor noticed a plain white coffee cup being held out to him.

“I figured you could use this,” a soft feminine voice said from behind the coffee. “You’ve been here for so long.”

Whomever this woman was, she wasn’t wrong in the fact that he needed some coffee. He had been sitting in the hospital waiting room all day, simply to be close to his husband even though he wouldn’t be able to see his Yuuri until the next day. Reaching out, Victor took the coffee. “Thank you,” he said looking at the woman who sat down next to him as he took a sip of his coffee. As the woman came into clear focus, Victor choked slightly on the sip he had taken. The young woman from his odd dream the night before was sitting next to him.

“Are you alright, Mr. Nikiforov?” she softly asked.

“Yes,” he quickly said.

The two sat in silence for a few moments as more and more people rushed around them. “Have you yet figured out how your husband ended up at this point?” she asked in a low voice.

“Honestly no,” Victor said sighing as he looked down at the floor, coffee cup still in hand. ”I understand that Yuuri has always had anxiety and bouts of depression, but we’ve always gotten through everything.”

“Oh there is so much more to all of this…” the woman softly said as Victor felt his eyes grow heavy.

* * *

As the images came into focus around him, Victor felt like he was seeing the last few months replay as a video would. He saw the devasting knee injury at the four continents that ended Yuuri’s skating career; the months of arguing; the tears; the fights. Tears filled Victor’s eyes as the images kept moving in front of him. Then the images stopped and focused in on the day that Dmitri Pukalov asked Victor to become his coach since Yuuri had retired from skating.

“Because Yuuri had retired due to his injury, Dmitri felt that it was the best time to ask you to coach him was it not?” the woman said moving out of the shadows to stand next to Victor.

“What does he have to do with any of this?” Victor asked.

“Everything…” she said as the images began to move again. This time Victor saw things that he never had experienced or seen before. Images of Yuuri curled up on their couch crying with a candle lit dinner growing cold on their table. Yuuri having panic attacks with nothing but Makkachin to comfort him. Essentially Yuuri growing distant. Victor wiped the steady stream of tears from his cheeks. Why hadn’t Yuuri talked to him? He knew that he had been spending a bit more time at the rink because Dmitri had needed more and more help it seemed. Yet if Yuuri had only asked him to spend the day with him, he would have in a heartbeat.

“Ah! Here we are,” the young woman said. “Here’s what Yuuri experienced just before the attempt to take his own life…”

Victor bit his lip, not wanting to see what had happened to cause Yuuri to want to end his life. But on the other hand, he did want to know what it was going to take to make it right once again…

* * *

_“Are you serious?” Yuuri happily asked during a phone conversation. “I can possibly skate again?”_

_There was a pause as Yuuri listened to whomever was on the phone. “I completely understand doctor. I’ll go and talk to my husband right now and call you back.” Yuuri said with a huge smile on his face as he ended the call. _

_Quickly grabbing his jacket, Yuuri dashed out of the apartment and ran towards the Sports Championship Club where Victor was coaching his new student. Flinging open the doors, Yuuri continued to make his way to where he knew Victor would be – rink side. Yet just as Yuuri entered the main rink area, he stopped. About 10 feet from where he was standing, stood Victor with his lips pressed against his new skater’s lips…_

* * *

“I NEVER KISSED HIM! HE KISSED ME! I PUSHED HIM AWAY!!” Victor yelled as the images kept coming.

“To Yuuri, it doesn’t matter. He saw what he saw…”

Looking back at the pictures, Victor couldn’t help but not want them to continue any longer.

* * *

_Slamming the door to the apartment shut, Yuuri furiously wiped away his tears before moving towards the wedding photo that hung on the wall of their living room. First slamming his hand into the glass, then ripping the picture from the wall, Yuuri flung the picture to the ground before falling to his knees. Fat tears continued to roll down his cheeks for a few minutes before placing his hand on the floor and pushing himself up. As he stood up he winched in pain as the shattered glass pierced his skin. Pulling the broken piece from the palm of his hand, he watched as the blood began to stream into his palm...._

* * *

“It was then that your husband decided that if you had moved on, then he would too….” the young woman said.

Victor slipped to his knees as the images faded. Why hadn’t he seen any of the signs? He loved his Yuuri more than life itself. Had he really been that short sighted? “But I hadn’t…known….” Victor said through tears. “I loved him and I still love him!”

“Even so, you out of everyone should know that your husband’s anxiety often gets the better of him. Even so, there is more to this than even you know…”

* * *

_“How was skating?” _

_“It was great! I finally have that idiot where I want him.” Dmitri said leaning over an unknown male’s shoulder and kissing his lips deeply. “Soon enough, he’ll help me become the next great figure skater in Russia then I’ll drop him as my coach when others take notice….”_

* * *

Victor was seething with anger. That piece of shit needed to never step foot in the rink again as far as Victor was concerned. He’s the one to blame for all of this!

“Anger is not what is needed right now…”

“What is needed then?” Victor asked. “What do I need to do to have my Yuuri back in my arms?”

“That decision is up to you….you do not need to make any decisions now. Not until after I show you what you need to know….

“What I need to know?”

“Yes. Every soul has millions of paths to which they could take. This existence as well as the other two you will see are simply how it could be, not necessarily how it will be. Remember that…”

And just as he had felt earlier, Victor couldn’t manage to keep his eyelids open as darkness surrounded him.


	3. Chapter 3

** Chapter Three: **

Opening his eyes, Victor took in the surroundings of the apartment where he and Yuuri lived. Yes it seemed like this was their apartment, yet it didn’t feel as warm as it had been. As he stood up from his lying position on the couch, Victor was greeted with a shocking sight.

It was him, slumped over in a chair at the kitchen table.

_‘Remember that every soul has a million paths that they could take….this is one possible of millions. Especially if Yuuri does not return…’ the familiar female voice whispered. _

Without saying a word, Victor slowly made his way through the apartment – taking notice of things. The normally clean apartment was covered in dust and filth. Clothes strewn here and there, empty take out containers, vodka bottles and even what looked to be a few piles of vomit where scattered around the apartment.

Even Makka’s collar was lying in the filth.

…Makka’s collar…

No. Not Makka too.

The future Victor stirred where he was slumped over at the table. Victor watched as his future, drunken self stumbled to his feet and out the door of the apartment with a bottle of vodka in his hand. Hesitantly Victor followed him.

Unaware to Victor, his future self had left a crumpled note on the kitchen table.

_‘Gone to be with my family…’_

* * *

Following future Victor down the dark, silent streets of early morning St. Petersburg felt almost foreboding. They kept moving until they reached the Anichkov Bridge. Once there, future Victor took a swig of vodka from the bottle before throwing the bottle into the ice covered Fontanka River. Once the bottle hit the icy water, future Victor leaned over the railing and fell into the dark depths, pulled under by the broken ice.

Victor screamed as he watched himself fall…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, please get help if you need it! I'll listen and I'm sure others will as well. :)


	4. Chapter 4

Screaming as he sat up in his bed, Victor gasped to get a hold of his own breath. Next to him, Makka’s warm body was curled tightly as the old dog slept. Reaching for Yuuri’s spot, he found it cold and empty – just as it had been for the last few nights. Grabbing Yuuri’s pillow, Victor inhaled his husband’s scent as he cried himself back to sleep with only Makka to reassure him, curling up next to his hooman.

* * *

_Slowly a smoke filled room came into view. Victor sees himself lying in bed with 2 unknown men on either side of him. He watches in horror as this version of himself leans over, kisses one of the unknown men before reaching for a crack pipe that was sitting on the bedside table and taking a hit from it. _

_What was this horror? A nightmare to taunt him of a life without Yuuri?_

_“Not a nightmare,” the all too familiar voice said. “But life without Yuuri.”_

_“I’ve never done drugs in my life!”_

_“In this life you did. All the time.”_

_“But…but what about my Yuuri? Is he happy?”_

_The scene in front of him changed to the outside of Yu-topia Katsuki. Hesitantly Victor entered the building, following behind a customer. There he is greeted with a sight he had been longing for since this entire ordeal had begun – a happy, smiling Yuuri. Even though Yuuri was a bit chubbier, but nonetheless happy._

_“In this life, Yuuri Katsuki never skated nor did he ever leave Japan. Yet he does mourn the loss of his favorite skater…”_

_Victor looked at the small television that was playing a news alert about his death from an apparent drug overdose. Victor said nothing as tears began to fall down his cheeks. He didn’t want to see anymore. All he wanted was his husband safe and sound in his arms. _

_“Even though things look bad in the visions that I have shown you, there in fact are many, many more timelines where you and Yuuri are happy…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's going to happen to Victor and Yuuri? Next chapter!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT!!!! Happiness and smut!!!

Victor nervously ran his hands through his hair. Yuuri would supposedly be released from the hospital today, but knowing that some sort of supernatural entity was dictating their future, Victor wasn’t sure if Yuuri would ever be his again.

And frankly that scares him to death. All he wants is his husband back in his arms with the ability to make love to Yuuri, hug him, kiss him and lazily skate with him.

A figure moved and sat silently next to Victor in the waiting room. Nothing was said between them for a while until Victor sighed and turned towards the young woman. “What happens now?” he softly asked.

“That is up to you.”

“All I want in this world is to have my husband back and for a second chance to fix what has practically been destroyed between us. I need to make amends for my stupidity and callousness when my Yuuri needed me the most. I will spend the rest of my life making it up not only to him and to you…whoever you are.”

The young woman smiled.

Victor smiled back as he felt his eyes, once again, become heavy.

* * *

Startling in his sleep, Victor slowly allowed his eyes to adjust to the darkened room. He was in a bit of shock as he felt warm body pressed against him. Trying not to bother the slumbering figure next to him, he slowly reached for his cell phone on the nightstand. Once the phone was grasped firmly in his hand, he slowly turned the face plate towards him.

His eyes went wide in shock as he looked at the date on the phone.

It was three days ago!

Three days….

Three days was before his life had become a nightmare.

Shakily, he turned the phone so that he could see the slumbering figure next to him. The dim light of the phone revealed soft black hair, a delicate nose and the very kissable lips of his husband. Choking back his happiness, he gently ran a finger down the side of Yuuri’s face.

Stirring slightly in his sleep, Yuuri’s eyes slowly fluttered opened. “Victor?” he asked with a bit of roughness in his voice thanks to sleep. “Is everything ok?”

Without saying a word, Victor pulled Yuuri’s body up towards him and kisses his luscious lips. _‘If this was a dream, please don’t let me wake up,’_ Victor thought as he deepened the kiss.

After a few moments, the husbands broke apart from their kiss with Victor pressing kisses all over Yuuri’s face, neck and collarbone. He felt Yuuri run his fingers through his hair. “I love you Yuuri,” he softly said in the dark before kissing his husband’s lips once again.

“I love you too.”

Not wanting to waste a single, precious moment, Victor threw back the covers and situated himself so that he was leering over his husband. He smiled in the dark, which his eyes had now adjusted to and he could make out a surprised look on Yuuri’s face. He moved to pull Yuuri’s sleep shirt over his head as his hands traced the muscles of his husband’s still tone body. “Let me show you…” he huskily whispered as he leaned over and captured his Yuuri’s lips once again in a kiss before making his way down Yuuri’s chest.

Yuuri gasped as Victor took one of his nipples in his mouth as his fingers pressed into Yuuri’s hip bones just above the fabric of the boxer briefs that Yuuri had worn to bed. Continuing his kissing assault on Yuuri’s chest, Victor managed to slip both him and Yuuri out of the offending undergarments – Yuuri’s boxer briefs and Victor’s tight briefs. Smiling to himself as he grasp his and Yuuri’s cocks, he could hear his husband’s breath becoming heavy with lust and desire.

“Victor…” he moaned as Victor began to slowly stroke them at the same time.

“Yes love?”

“Please…please….” he gasped his Victor tightened his grip and began to stroke faster.

“Please what?” Victor asked before taking Yuuri’s other nipple between his lips.

“Please fuck me!!” Yuuri sobbed.

“As you wish,” Victor replied, reaching with his free hand into nightstand and finding the half used bottle of lube in the drawer. Managing to open the bottle one handed and squeeze some lube into their erect cocks, Victor continued to stroke them before slipping a well lubed finger into his husband’s tight hole.

Yuuri whimpered in pleasure as Victor slowly moved his finger in and out, prepping him before slipping another finger in with a third following minutes later. The shear tightness of Yuuri’s ass made Victor consider just how long had it actually been since they had been intimate with each other? Weeks? Months?

That would be another thing that would change as well. Yuuri was his world – his life and love and Victor would make sure that he ALWAYS knew that.

Reaching for a condom in the nightstand drawer, Victor felt Yuuri grasp his wrist. “No…” he heavily breathed. “I want to feel all of you.”

“But the mess…” Victor had remembered how they would use both condoms and go bareback from time to time since Yuuri often complained about the sticky mess afterwards.

“I don’t care.”

Victor captured his lips in a deep kiss once again as he lined his lubed cock up and slowly slipped into his husband’s tight hole. It took several small pushes before he was fully wrapped in his husband’s tightness. Below him, soft sobs where coming from his Yuuri.

“Yuuri?” he softly asked. “Did I hurt you?”

“Never. I just never realized what coming home could feel like.”

Home…Yuuri said that Victor was his home. He was absolutely right. Home was wherever Yuuri was. Home was this feeling of being surrounded by their love.

“Da,” he answered as he slowly began to pull back out before quickly pushing back deep into Yuuri. “You are my home too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you really think that this was the end? There are a few loose ties to fix up!


	6. Chapter 6

Hours after their early morning romp, Victor lay in bed with Yuuri curled up against his chest sleeping soundly into the morning hours. Choosing to forgo sleep after a few hours, Victor savored the feeling of Yuuri in his arms. Slowly moving his fingers through Yuuri’s hair, he couldn’t help but think of how he was so close to losing all of this. Tears slowly rolled down his cheeks as he pressed a kiss into Yuuri’s hair.

An intake of air from Yuuri pulled Victor out of his thoughts. Looking down at his sleeping beauty, Victor smiled as he watched Yuuri wake up to the morning.

“Morning,” Yuuri mumbled as he pressed his face into Victor’s neck and placed a kiss there.

“Good morning,” Victor responded, pressing another kiss against Yuuri’s head. “What would you like to do today?”

Yuuri picked his head up from Victor’s chest and looked at him in shock. “I’m….I’m not sure,” he softly answered.

“So why don’t we stay home, cuddled up together and watch that new streaming series that you’ve wanted to watch. That is if you’ve not watched it yet.” Victor suggested as he placed a hand against Yuuri’s cheek.

Tears began to weld up in Yuuri’s eyes and one fell down his cheek. Victor quickly wiped it away. “What’s wrong?

“It’s…it’s just that I’ve missed this. Missed us.” Yuuri said sniffling as more tears began to fall. “I was so scared that you were falling out of love with me because of my injury and because I can’t skate anymore and I didn’t win 5 golds for you.”

“Shhh,” Victor said, trying to calm his frantic husband. “None of that matters,” he said as he picked up Yuuri’s right hand and kissed the gold band that was resting on his ring finger. “You mean so much more than skating to me. Have you forgotten that? You mean absolutely everything to me.” Victor said, pressing a kiss against Yuuri’s lips before flipping them so that Yuuri was pressed against the pillows. “Or shall I show you again?”

Yuuri didn’t say anything as he arched up and pressed a kiss against Victor’s lips. “Show me,” he huskily whispered.

Stealing another kiss, Victor did just that.

* * *

Late in the afternoon, Yuuri lay cuddled up against Victor on their couch as they induldged in some much needed cuddle time. Not only had they spent a large part of the day in bed making love several times, Victor also realized that he had not taken much time for himself since Yuuri’s injury.

The ringing of Yuuri’s phone caught Victor’s attention. He noticed that Yuuri was looking at his phone funny. “Who is it?” Victor asked.

“An orthopedic surgeon in Tokyo…”

Remembering what he had previously seen, Victor urged his husband to answer the phone. “Go on!”

Taking a deep breath, Yuuri hit talk and answered the call. “Konnichiwa?”

Victor listened intently, trying to figure out what was being said between his husband and the surgeon.

“Are you serious?” Yuuri happily asked in English for his husband’s sake. “I can possibly skate again?”

More words were exchanged before Yuuri spoke again. “I completely understand doctor. I’ll go and talk to my husband right now and call you back.” Yuuri said with a huge smile on his face as he ended the call.

“Well? What was that all about?” Victor excitedly asked.

“The doctor who had consulted on my injury at first now has a new developmental technique that might be able to help me completely recover. Its still in the beginning phases, but he wants to try it out on me.”

“So what are you going to do? Get it done or not?”

“I’m not sure…what do you think?” Yuuri asked looking up at Victor.

Sensing that his husband was worried, Victor smiled as he picked up Yuuri’s hands and squeezed them. “I say get it done! If it is a success, then it is. And if not, then there are other things you can do besides skating such as coaching and choreographing that won’t but a strain on your knee.”

“Let’s do it then!”

* * *

After confirming with the surgeon, Victor and Yuuri decided to head to the rink to let Yakov and the others know that they were going to be returning to Japan for the foreseeable future. Just as they entered the rink, Victor heard his name being called out.

Turning towards the calling of his name, Victor cringed at who he saw.

Dmitri Pukalov.

“Where have you been?” Dmitri demanded as he stepped in between Victor and Yuuri, causing Victor to drop Yuuri’s hand. “How can I improve if my coach doesn’t show up.”

“About that…I won’t be able to coach you this season or ever.” Victor says with a slight smirk as he stepped around Dmitri and took ahold of Yuuri’s hand. “I’ve decided that there is only one person that I will ever coach and it is my husband.”

The look of shock on Dmitri’s face was enough as Victor led Yuuri towards Yakov’s office.

“Did you mean it?” Yuuri whispered as they walked away.

“Of course I did.” Victor said with a smile as he pressed a kiss against Yuuri’s lips. “We’re a team.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter to go!!! Will Victor find out who the young woman was?


	7. Chapter 7

Standing upon the winners’ podium at the Grand Prix Final in Tokyo, Yuuri smiled brightly from the bronze place as he waved to the cheering crowds. Sure it wasn’t a gold medal, but it was proof that with hard work, sacrifice and struggling, he could achieve anything that he put his mind to. Even if that meant moving back to Hasetsu to live and train with Victor.

Standing on the sidelines, cheering loudest was his husband.

Once the medal ceremony was over, Yuuri exited the rink and was immediately embraced by Victor. “I’m so proud of you,” Victor whispered as he pressed a kiss against his husband’s forehead.

Yuuri smiled as he pressed his face against Victor’s shoulder.

It had all been worth it.

* * *

“Who is that?” Victor asked as he slipped his arms around his husband as he lay in bed that night. Yuuri had a picture of a young woman pulled up on his phone.

The next day would be the exhibition along with the banquet afterwards. Then once their obligations to the ISU were complete, they were both heading home for a long deserved soak in the onsen.

“Oh! This is Amaterasu. Many consider her the primary kami in Shintoism. Her shrine is the one we’re stopping at on the way home.”

“Ise Grand Shrine?”

Yuuri nodded.

Victor pulled the phone from Yuuri’s fingers as he took a closer look at the image. A small smile spread across his face as he gazed upon the image. This was who had allowed Victor to have a second chance with Yuuri.

_‘Thank you,’ _he thought to himself.

_‘My pleasure…’ _a voice whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amaterasu really is a goddess in Shintoism --- or as close to a goddess as Shintoism has since they believe that every living thing has a spirit. 
> 
> Here is a bit more on her --- [Amaterasu](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amaterasu)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this story. Please check out my other stories. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Like my stories? Want me to write one for you? Or simply support me in any way possible? Then make sure to check out my tumblr for more information on how to do so:
> 
> [Ramblings of a lost mind...](https://stardreamz81.tumblr.com/)


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